Why are there so many sexless marriages if women love sex just as much as men?

In My Humble Opinion
161

Great analogy.

Is she actually turning a blind eye to lousy sex (i.e. having sex that is bad but overlooking it), or does the sexual excitement from novelty, romance, adventure, hope, and infatuation actually make the sex feel good, even if he is lousy at it? It seems to me that it would be the latter, but we need to hear from the ladies about this.

I do agree that people like to rationalize things to make them feel better about themselves. In this case, though, haven’t we established that women’s sex drive is different from men’s? Maybe not lower, but different. That is, men won’t get out of the mood for sex on a given night as easily as women will. If men’s sex drive, on average, is more impervious to distractions such as stress from work, an argument about who should take out the trash, etc, then isn’t that due to the biology of men and women?

I can’t speak for all guys, but in most cases it is not resentment. It is about trying to understand the underlying reasons for the reduction in sexual activity. It is about a guy trying to figure out the following: "We are both going through the same issues, we both face

  1. Practical: Kids, work, housework, being tired, lack of time, etc
  2. Emotional: Emotional connection declines, pissed of at the partner for a variety of reasons, etc
  3. Physical attraction: He/She let themselves go, put on weight, effects of aging, etc
  4. Sexual ability: “She gives the worst blowjobs”, “He is a selfish lover”, etc

and yet I still want to have sex with her but she doesn’t as often as she did."

I guess some guys assume that the problem is them, for being bad in bed, for being bad husbands, etc, and maybe these guys feel resentment for feeling like that. But I don’t think every guy who doesn’t get enough sex has resentment towards his wife/partner.

As for me, if it was just my case, I can figure out and enumerate reasons for the reduction, but that is not interesting. What is interesting is that millions of couples go through this, the majority I assume. What was interesting about this thread is that even high-libido women can be in sexless marriages for years. When the problem is that widespread it seems like a natural equilibrium for most couples.

We seem to be made to get into this state. In the beginning, with racing hormones, there is lots of sex and bonding. As time goes by, women’s and men’s physiologies conspire to reduce sexual activity. This must be evolutionarily advantageous, but it sucks for people in these relationships.

Even though we are hard-wired to get into this state most of the time, people look at their individual case and start to analyze the specifics of their case and find blame with themselves or their partner. It’s like throwing a loaded die, which is biased to almost always land on six, and every time we get a six, we think “Oh, this time it landed on six because I threw it wrong” or “This time it landed on six because I was distracted”. But the die is loaded. The most frequent result is six. Finding a reason behind each six is quite meaningless.

162

I wonder if this is a western society issue? My only exposure to other societies is through books and movies, and thus skewed, but in a situation where a Mistress or Pool Boy is, frowned upon, but accepted, are relationships better?

It’s not an experiment I’d care to jeopardize my marriage to test, but it seems like a Married couple with a FB or two on the side would take care of the gripe people are having. (I suspect the emotional land mines are too great, that it would only work if you could completely divorce lust from love.)

163

If you believe this, then why are you so focused on attributing the phenomenon to women’s libidos? The consensus from most of the women in this thread is that it is not as simple as this.

At any rate, I disagree that finding a reason is meaningless. Just because marriages fall into a sexless slump doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. Try breaking out of the rut by injecting some spontaneity into your relationship. Take a trip somewhere. Buy some tickets to the symphony and ask her to wear her sexiest dress. Surprise her with dinner and a bubble bath. Talk to her about how she is feeling, how she sees herself, what she misses the most. Try, if you haven’t already, connecting to her.

164

You’ve been reading Cosmo again, haven’t you? :wink:

Folks don’t need ‘spontaneity’, they need a reminder of why they’re together, or at least a recognition of WHY they don’t have time to be together as a couple. I know with Parenthood you have:

time to be yourself
time to be a spouse
time to be a parent
time to be employed
time to maintain the household

and there’s only enough time to pick 3.5 of those things.

165

Either. Sometimes you know the sex is lousy, but he has other charming characteristics (in the early stages) and you hope you can ‘fix’ the sex. Women (again, generally speaking) are great at seeing fixer upper opportunities in men. And this can lead to the lack of sex as well - if he resents being treated like a fixer upper opportunity (and few men take any suggestion of ‘you aren’t great in bed’ well) and then doesn’t change, then you get lousy sex…and therefore are less likely to put out.

But sometimes the novelty is enough to overlook lack of technique. Women, as I said above, tend to have as much brain as body (or for that matter, vision) involved in sex. “Imagining” its great sex is sometimes enough for it to be great sex…but that doesn’t tend to work long term - particularly if there are additional issues.

166

Which is funny, considering the riteous indignation over in the other thread about ‘breaking’ a broken woman. So. Guy= fixer upper = good. Gal = broken = bad.

167

I think sometimes when the relationship is new the sex is better because there’s more sexual excitement and both partners are trying hard to please. Some time later, either partner or both might become more lazy about pleasing the other, or more selfish about following their own preferences. I don’t think this is just a guy thing, though.

I agree with this. I wouldn’t just assume that you’re always going to roll a six and resign yourself to accepting that. Perhaps someone who’s had success at addressing this kind of issue could give some suggestions (although things that work might be really individual to each couple.)

ETA: Maybe it would be helpful to ask people who’ve sustained high levels of sex over a long term relationship what they think they’re doing differently than other couples who aren’t as successful at this.

168

Wasn’t this the case among 18th century French nobles (or someone like that)?

AFAIK, they married for stability and practical reasons, and had lovers on the side. If they did do this, how did it work out for them?

I’ve always wondered how a society organized around this would work. Because of the way we were raised, it’s impossible for most of us to try this out. But if people were raised in a society where this was the norm, maybe it would all work out?

Men/women in today’s society don’t complain when their spouse gets a massage from the opposite sex, even though the masseuse is touching their naked (or almost naked body) and giving them physical pleasure. Granted, this is not sexual pleasure, but I assume men from more conservative societies would have a huge problem with their wives getting a full-body massage from another man. If our society has mostly gotten over this, maybe an alternate society could get used to spouses getting sex outside the marriage. ISTM that it would be highly unlikely to work out, but you never know.

169

It is possible, but quite unlikely IMO. Besides real-world data points, we have had several cases in this thread of high-libido women who say they were stuck in sexless marriages/relationships for years, and eventually gave up on them.

If anyone has any counter examples, it would be interesting to hear about them.

170

I was thinking about a third case, one I had. The sex was lousy. The guy was lousy. But he WOULDN’T DUMP. He was like the burr weed of boyfriends. Or like getting gum in your hair.

I suspect he was clueless enough to believe that since everything was good for him, it was good.

171

Listen folks, as usual physics provides us with a simple answer. Due to their lower center of gravity and greater volume to surface ratio, women tend to be subject to greater inertial forces than men. What this means in practical terms is that to move a woman from no sex to sex requires greater force than to move a man from no sex to sex. Greater thrust is required, if you will.

Conversely, once sex is achieved a woman will tend to remain in this sexual momentum, whereas a man, being less subject to inertia will rapidly lose momentum. This phenomenon can be observed both in a single sexual encounter, and throughout the curve of a longer term sexual engagement.

What can I do, you ask ? Well, a simple way to reduce feminine inertia is to reduce friction. A simple way to increase male inertia is to increase friction. So ultimately it all comes down to balancing thrust and friction, and achieving the same inertial reference frame.

172

Haven’t read the whole thread but it’s been very interesting so far. Thank you ladies for your insights.

I’ve been in two ten year relationships and sex drives were never a problem. I have a friend and a relative who are in sexless marriages that I don’t understand. I’m not sure how I’d handle that. I’ve noticed as I got older and my body changed and women’s bodies changed sex drive and positive body image became an issue.

I recommend, open communication even though it’s very uncomfortable at times and someone’s feelings may be hurt. I have little interest in being serviced out of some sense of obligation but I have no problem with attending to someone’s needs as a real expression of affection for them. IOW, try not to let it be about obligation with lingering resentment. Give and receive with some joy and find out what the other person likes and doesn’t like. Have fun, and try to be creative {not the same as kinky} and romantic. Now, in my mid fifties, the affection and touching is equally as important as the sex itself.

When I was dating a lot it was easy to be sexy with new people. Being sexy and maintaining sexual interest with someone you’ve been with for a while, even years, I find is even better.

173

I agree. Licking the theme to Bonanza is much more effective. If she has a good sense of humor, go ahead and hum a little of it while you’re licking.

174

Surfin Bird! :smiley:

175

Just don’t sing the lyrics!

176

I had a post all typed up yesterday in agreement with the touched out idea, but forgot to post it. I know it might have been done to death already, but I can’t stress how big an impact that can have.

For one thing, regarding the toddlers - many kids, when they discover their genitalia, also discover yours. My son just this morning attempted to grab my breasts while I was nursing, and then pulled down his pants and asked me to touch his penis.

For another, I’m breastfeeding. So when I’m not being groped by my husband and am not dodging curious hands, my breasts are still sucked on or touched or both at least eight times a day. And when that’s not happening, I’m pumping because I’m going back to work in a month.

Given that I’m averaging about 3-4 hours of sleep a night and my primary erogenous zone has become public property in my house, sex is one of the last things on my mind. It’s not because I don’t like it, but it’s hard to feel sexy when you’re someone’s milk cow. Oh, yeah, and sex after childbirth isn’t exactly comfortable for a while, no matter how much lube you use. The sex drive is coming back, but I’m guessing that when we do start having sex again, it will be primarily for intimacy and kind of a dud the first several times.

177

Oh, I hear you, sister.

It can be a lot more complicated than that. And frankly, I don’t feel like explaining at the moment, but in short, my ex misrepresented himself in terms of his feelings about sex and sexuality. By the time I realized this, I was already married to him and still very much in love with him, so I tried and tried and tried to find ways to make things better before eventually admitting that it was a lost cause.

And to answer your earlier question–10 years married, 12 years total.

I find it interesting that this surprised you in any way. And I think you’re still trying to find ways to invalidate this fact. All of your attempts to “summarize” the situation demonstrate this. And you’re treating those of us who have been in sexless marriages as if we were outliers. We’re not. We’re just the rare ones who are willing to admit it. Don’t ever forget the overwhelming cultural pressure on women NOT to admit that they’re not sexually desired.

I’m sure it’s much easier and more comforting to see the world in terms of black and white, but it’s not reality.

Well, I suppose it’s better than being down there and singing Rawhide.

178

Perhaps ‘sex’ needs to be better defined. I think the sexes might define it differently

Women – An enjoyable sexual act between two people
Men – A sexual act that ends in an orgasm
I can’t comprehend that there are some adult women out there who have never masturbated. By the time I was 14 I had experimented with every lubricating fluid I could find. Maybe this means men are more about obtaining the pleasurable feeling from orgasm whereas women are about having sex be part of a relationship.

I know for me, the desire for sex is almost unrelenting. It doesn’t matter how I feel, how my day went, how fat I feel, etc. I still want sex regardless. I want it more when things are going better and less when they’re not, but I almost always want it.

My wife, on the other hand, is not like this. Her default state is “not in the mood”. If I work at it I can get her in the mood. Or if circumstances change she may get in the mood (on vacation, get’s a big raise, we go to a party, etc.). But her day-to-day state is that she doesn’t desire it and doesn’t care whether or not we do it.

So when women say they want sex as much as men, what I think they really mean is that they want the the warmth, security and pleasurable feelings that sex brings to a relationship. When men say they want sex, they really want the pleasurable feelings that orgasm brings, and oh yeah, it’s also nice to feel closer to their parter.

179

This.

Women want sex as much as men WHEN they want sex. But my experience/guess is that for women it doesnt take much of a “bad day” before they are in “such” a bad mood that sex is off the table.

For a guy, unless its been a SHITTY day or they are EXHAUSTED, sex would at least be nice, if not actually wanted.

For a woman, unless the day has been pretty nice, or they havent got laid in a long time, sex will just be tolerated, and might be possibly nice if they actually decided to do/allow the deed.

Just my personal experience/observations/WAGs. And obviously I am talking about a statistical tendency, not a individual persons experience.

180

Childbirth does change the way a lot of women think about their bodies. It does get better, if you want it to. But it also becomes a habit to have better things to do - like sleep. So its something you need to decide you want to do, and schedule it in if necessary.

Another one guys might not realize - when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, my own breasts became, in some ways, my enemy…my nightmare. It isn’t that uncommon for a women to have a friend with breast cancer, or a friend going through rape recovery or domestic abuse, or something else going on that affects the way she sees sex or her body.