Why are there so many sexless marriages if women love sex just as much as men?

In My Humble Opinion
141

Good point. If high libido men do stay in sexless marriages for long, maybe it’s because they know that, even if they leave this marriage, the next one will, most likely, end up where this one is.

If a high libido woman is in a sexless marriage due to the husband’s low libido (for example), she knows that if she leaves this marriage, she will, most likely, end up with with a man with a higher libido.

So, it would seem that high libido women have a higher incentive to leave sexless marriages than high libido men. Of course, I have no studies to cite. Maybe ya’lls experience is different.

142

I stayed put for years. I began resenting him. When I think about it, I believe my resentment was chiefly driven by my being unfulfilled sexually.

143

It depends upon what you mean by willing, but I have a friend :wink: who has informally assessed the cost/benefit analysis of quitting his ultra-low-sex marriage and decided it ain’t worth the bother.

Now tell me, would you entertain seriously for one instant a question like “If women dislike abusive partners, why do so many stay with them?”?

144

Actually, I personally would, I have, and I’ve come to the conclusion that in this life we all decide what we can and can’t live with. If you can’t live with it, fix it. If you choose to live with it, quit your bitching.

Now… if men like sex as much as they say they do, they must be over the friggin moon about money. :stuck_out_tongue:

145

Sex requires money.

If you’re a man.

146

I’d add that men generally speaking seem to have “instant lust” where women - generally speaking again - often need and want the anticipation as part of the total package. So for men its often easy to “perform on demand” (particularly younger men who haven’t had any sexual dysfunction issues) and for women, being expected to “perform on demand” is sometimes a more difficult propostion. For women, sex often happens as much in the head as in the body.

147

Actually, isn’t there a way to somewhat scientifically see if men desire sex more than women? That is, aren’t there studies that show that women who start getting testosterone injections see an increased libido? If yes, then men, who naturally have much more testosterone than women, would also have a higher libido than women (on average, of course)

This doesn’t mean men enjoy sex more, it’s just that they desire it more, even when, in all odds the coming sex session won’t be that great.

Also, if testosterone injections increase women’s libido, do they also increase enjoyment of sex, even in the presence of “lousy lovers”? That is, could the lousy lover problem be more of a problem when the woman has low libido to begin with?

Consider this: in new relationships, when there are plenty of hormones flying around and there is plenty of sex, the men who are lousy lovers still manage to get a lot of sex. That is, the women still want to have a lot of sex with them. If being a lousy lover is such a turn off, women wouldn’t want to have sex with them after the first couple of times. But, in many cases, men have lots of sex in the beginning, and then, after many months or years, the amount of sex decreases, and one of the culprits is “lousy male lover”. But that guy didn’t get worse at it, most likely he is the same as before. It’s just that other factors contributed to the reduced desire for sex, like reduced levels of sex-related hormones, and women start to rationalize it by blaming the sexual capabilities of their men, among other reasons.

It’s like this story I heard on NPR where humans, when they have “anger hormones” (or something like that) racing through their bodies because of a chemical imbalance for example, they feel angry, don’t know why, and then start to make up a reason why they are angry, like blaming their spouse for something. The “reason” for the anger is a rationalization that comes after the feeling of anger in some cases.

Could a similar thing be happening to loss of desire for sex? That is, the hormones decrease for chemical reasons, then a rationalization is constructed after the fact to explain the decrease in desire.

I don’t know. I assume there are many men who are indeed lousy lovers, but it’s possible that humans’ capability to find patterns and explanations in even random things that affect their life may explain part of the explanations given above for loss of desire.

148

It was many years. Sex wasn’t the reason we divorced; the lack of sex was more a feature of other problems in the relationship, which we tried very hard to fix. There was so much in the marriage that was truly great, which is why we put a lot of time and energy into trying to work things out.

I have comments about your summary, which I’ll post later.

149

AMEN!

(And thanks, gaffa, for making coffee come out my nose.)

150

And another peeve … guys who get all their ideas from porn.

No, I don’t want to flip through 20 positions in 30 minutes. No I don’t bend that way. No, tit fucking really isn’t that big a turn on. No, I don’t want to be eaten out while being in a handstand just because you saw it in a movie.

And NO I am not going through 20 positions in 30 minutes to finish you off with a blow job, and I am not going to talk dirty and pretend to being multiorgasmic every time you change positions.

151

I was one of these women. Twice, in two marriages. I like sex a lot, and in both my marriages there was plenty, or enough, sex at first, and then it waned. My first husband was so repressed that he didn’t actually like intercourse or oral sex or any position other than missionary, and if I asked him to do something different he’d say I hurt his ego and become distant and moody for weeks. But he was a child.

My second husband was good at it but claimed he was often too tired, plus he was borderline anorexic and an alcoholic. He never had a problem getting and keeping an erection, but he spent so much time away me, drinking with his buddies and coming home fairly drunk, and then he’d fall asleep in his chair watching TV and I’d go to bed alone. The next morning at, say, 6 a.m. he’d want sex and start making motions toward me, and that is the absolutely worst time of day for me to want anything other than sleep. We could go months without having sex. So that did not work out, and it’s been slim pickings since we divorced, too. And no, I’m not an ugly fat misanthrope or anything–just picky about who I sleep with. Too picky, maybe.

152

I can only come when there is a vibrator involved somewhere. I am grateful that I have a boyfriend that is cool with that. I greatly, GREATLY enjoy vaginal sex but I could never come from it.

One of my guy friends confessed the other day that he was starting to fantasize about having sex with women other than his girlfriend. I asked him if something was wrong in the relationship and he said they hadn’t had sex in a month. :eek: They’ve been together five years. I’ve never been in a relationship that long, but if we went without sex for more than three days (barring special circumstances) you bet your ass I’d be asking my boyfriend if something was wrong. Yet my friend and his girlfriend haven’t even talked about it.

Then again, we’ve only been together for a year. Maybe I’ll feel different after a few more years, but at this point I cannot imagine the sex declining and both of us just accepting it. There have been weeks where we’ve had sex only once or twice, but that’s usually because one of us sick and/or our schedules don’t match up because of work. When we have the time we have sex every day. I sincerely hope that doesn’t decline with the number of years we’re together.

153

Many years ago, in our first year together, we were in the same situation as you. More than once a day. At that time, we knew a couple who had been married for several years. The woman confessed that they had sex rarely, sometimes with months in between. I was shocked and I thought, in my naivete, that that was a dysfunctional couple and that most couples don’t get to that state. Experience has shown that that couple was most probably the norm.

154

Not necessarily. Sensitivity to testosterone probably differs significantly between the sexes, so while men may have, say, 10 times more of it on average, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are feeling the effects of it 10 times more. Consider also the improbability that low libido men have less testosterone than high libido woman. This suggests there is more at play than absolute testosterone levels.

I prefer the analogy of picky eaters and non-picky eaters. A picky eater desires food just as much as the non-picky person, but their tolerance for “bad food” is lower. This is women. Since there are plenty of picky fat people and plenty of non-picky skinny people, we can’t assume that being picky means lacking an appetite. Of course, we need food to survive, so a picky eater in starvation mode has no choice but to eat what is most accessible, regardless of preference. Sexual urges don’t work the same way. A lot of time (maybe even most of the time), the longer someone goes without sex, the less they want it.

This conclusion does not follow. New relationships have a lot of things going for them that promote sexual excitement: novelty, romance, adventure, hope, and infactuation. The presence of these elements can make a woman initially turn a blind eye to a lot of annoying things, including lousy sex. It’s not until later, when reality sets in and the rose colored glasses come off, that what was excusable before becomes near-intolerable. Sex isn’t anything special when it comes to this. I mean, think of all the faults your wife has that only recently started bugging you even though they’ve probably been there all along.

I’m not saying hormones have nothing to do with it in every single case, but I know for myself this was not the case. But funny enough, I initially thought my drop in passion towards my ex was a side-effect of the pill. It was only after I broke up with him (and immediately saw a return of my libido) and reflected on our history, that I figure it out: his ED and lukewarm behavior towards me physically resulted in my libido being suppressed. But the minute we broke up and I was free to find what was missing in my life, my libido came alive again. Purely a mental thing, not hormonal.

Again, this isn’t anything unique to women or sexless relationships. How many men could see themselves having a sex-a-thon with a busload of hot women if their wives told them it was okay? Are these same men trying to have a sex-a-thon with their wives? Of course not. It’s difficult to sustain that level of passion with one person over a period of years, but that doesn’t mean that biologically they have a low drive.

I think a lot of men tell themselves that women have low sex drives because it makes them feel better when their advances are rejected. I find this form of rationalization understandable, actually; it’s such a human reaction. But unfortunately, there’s no way you can get what you want if you conclude the fault is with her biology and not something deeper than that.

What I can’t get my head around in these discussions is how men can even want to have sex with their wife when they resent them for their lack of sexual receptivity. Maybe this is one of those guy things that women can’t relate to, I dunno. But resentment and contempt kill any amorous feelings I might have towards another person. And if I thought someone was resentful towards me, I can’t imagine wanting to have sex with them either. Polerus, is it possible your wife thinks you resent her for not wanting sex and therefore is reluctant to have sex with you?

155

nm

156

Wrap your heads around THIS: the man is just plain, flat-out, lousy - selfish and ungiving - ideal situation is to perform a jackhammer pounding till the grand finale (for him) - oral sex? (only for him, icky poo!) - foreplay (sighs and groans of boredom - actually saying, 'how long do I have to do this?) - picks the worst possible times (kids having their friends over, playing downstairs; 5 minutes after walking in the door after a long day at work) - poking and prodding, silently in the middle of the night. Brings home a paycheck and that’s the extent of it - sits on his ass, messes up the house, has nothing to talk about, shows no affection, and then drops his pants and expects the woman to start drooling like a whore in a porn movie. HE CANNOT BE TAUGHT, HE WILL NOT LEARN. Doesn’t know anything except pounding away like an asshole, doesn’t care to learn anything else. A fucking idiot who can’t get a clue - hell, can’t understand clear English. It’s the woman’s fault, of course.

157

You’re welcome?

I’ve got a perfectly fine penis, although as I’ve nearing 50 nowhere near as reliable as it once was. But my tongue retains it’s functionality. I’m lucky in that, for some reason I’ve never understood, virtually every woman I’ve been with has been bisexual, and one of the very first was very vocal about what she needed. I paid attention, and I consider my time with her the best, and most valuable, education in a lifetime of learning.

By the way, the whole “lick the alphabet” thing is bullshit. It is just an attempt to keep the average guy down there to get through it at least once through.

158

I dunno, my younger son has been intimate with a female or two and he’s always been broke. Or do teenagers not count?

159

With respect to Polerius’ summary and his following posts, you with the face has addressed a lot of the issues I was thinking about. I’ll add a couple more

  1. Physical/medical: medications such as SSRIs, hormonal contraceptives, or blood pressure meds; depression; alcohol intake and smoking; anxiety about avoiding pregnancy or trying to conceive; biorhythm/timing preferences, e.g., morning versus evening; recurrent yeast or bacterial infections; erectile problems; painful sex for the woman (poor foreplay, lubrication/he’s too big); etc.
  2. Hangups that you didn’t know you had, e.g., regarding your expectations of marriage and marital roles; religious hangups regarding sex; real or perceived familial or societal pressure to have a perfect marriage; Madonna-whore complex; etc.
  3. Pride and shame are often involved even in the first instance of a sexual problem; such problems can be hard to admit to or talk about and may have a tendency to snowball; there’s a tendency to blame a problem on the other partner; it might seem easier to just tacitly agree to not have sex rather than risk anger, crying or rejection (i.e., eventually it seems not worth the hassle); etc.
  4. As a young married person, you continue to meet new people and spend time with old friends of the opposite sex who are attractive and may even flirt with you. As mentioned by you with the face,

Even if you don’t act on any sexual urges you may feel towards other people, lusting after someone new can be a heady rush and may emphasize the no-longer-scintillating “married sex” that you’re having with your spouse
9) Sex can become part of a larger power struggle that is going on between the couple, re: who has control over important decisions, who controls the money, conflicts re: career issues, parenting conflicts, etc. etc.

Well said.

160

Yes, that sometimes it’s the MAN who refuses to have sex with the woman.

Here, the long version. Mom was bedridden for two years due to a misdiagnosed herniated disc, then took months to recover, and her neck and back never recovered completely. Dad’s idea of sex was “tongue to the stomach, followed by missionary.” This was painful for her if it went too long (I don’t know what would “too long” be). She proposed doing “other things.” He refused, saying that “mutual masturbation” wasn’t “acceptable”, cowgirl wasn’t acceptable, doggie style wasn’t acceptable and that kissing/cuddling/smooching made him want to “go all the way” (i.e., the missionary).

Mom is a bitch, but Dad’s own sex hangups could have used a few smacks.

Oh, and in order to come during PIV, I need him to Hold It Right There for a few seconds. I don’t know whether that means clitoris or not, but it does mean that I won’t come during PIV with a man whose reaction to “stopstopstopholditholditholdittheretherethere” is to pump harder and faster. I’ve met some who actually heard what I was saying, some who didn’t.