Wow. You have certainly spent a lot of time studying obese women’s bodies for someone who finds them so unappealing.
Anyway, would I date a Big, Beautiful Woman? Well, she is beautiful, right? 
What kind of BBW are we talking about? If it’s someone like Adele or one of the many attractive plus size women I know in real life, absolutely I’d love to have them on my arm. If it’s just an unattractive women who also happens to be overweight, no.
The difference about height and weight is that a person has much more control over their weight than they do with their height. A guy that is 5’ 2" with a proportionally higher pitched voice isn’t going to be able to do much about it. So if he likes women that prefer tall men he is SOL. But a woman who is 250lbs could lose weight if she chose to. Her weight, and her refusal to do anything about it, has more to do with her personality. Plenty of women will insist that their weight has nothing to do with their personality, but in my observations it does in fact have a connection. A woman who doesn’t want to stay in shape or eat right has the symptoms of much bigger issues; if the BBW is a lazy person, for example, then the fact that they are a BBW is connected to that.
There’s nothing wrong with a guy thats into BBWs. Maybe he finds the appearance of an obese woman sexually attractive. Maybe he and/or his family were all obese so an obese woman looks more ‘normal’ in his standards. Or maybe the issues that make a BBW so fat is something he is attracted to- he might believe she will accept him as much as he’s willing to accept her. He might be lazy too and just want to play video games and eat donuts all day, or be a homebody that hates going outside.
I’m quite a fat lesbian, your typical stereotype, and I have no problems dating women or getting attention from men. It’s not something worth worrying about. I’m not offended by men worrying about it, though. Seek out the skinny!
I think it’s quite silly that other women are telling me what I can and cannot call myself. :dubious: Thanks, sisters.
Someone on these boards once said I don’t exist to be visually appealing to you. Something like that.
I do think Incubus has a point in his OP. Women in their 20s struggling with their weight often have a lot of issues tied to that. Untying all that is crucial, whether remaining fat or not. We’re our own worst enemy when it comes to our bodies.
Thank you. I think some people get the misconception that if one person has some flaw, they ‘make up for it’ in some other way. People grossly oversimplify it- if they see a woman who is conventionally attractive, they might assume she is vain, materialistic, dumb, etc. But if they see an unattractive, overweight woman, they might assume she is super kind, friendly, positive and confident in her own skin.
Real life has proven these generalizations to be incorrect. There are obese women whose personality and obesity are directly correlated. Furthermore, they tend to be the most in denial about this association, and try to attribute their problems to other things “I’m just the vicim of unrealistic standards given by the media” “Only immature men care about how fat a woman is” “I don’t judge other people therefore nobody is allowed to judge me”.
But in my experience, there are indeed trade-offs to everything. There’s a cost to everything.
I know a guy who complains about women who can’t “hang” when he wants to have a good time. Like women who just want to eat a salad when they go out to eat. Or women who can’t hold their liquor and can’t keep up with him at the bar. These women are “no fun” in his mind. He doesn’t want a woman who can’t match him steak-for-steak, drink-for-drink.
But then he’s the first person to talk about how he wants a thin woman (“athletic”, is how he phrases it). Well, this is all fine and dandy. But there’s a cost to this, and that cost is someone who will choose a salad over a steak and isn’t going to want to get drunk all the time. A 20-something skinny chick has the metabolism to keep up with him. But he’s 50-something. He either needs to pay the price of dating a skinny woman his own age or deal with the costs associated with dating a much younger woman. Or stop complaining.
He’s no different than the guy who moans about “high maintenance” women, but only goes out with women who are “hot”. “Hotness” doesn’t just fall from the sky. It has to be bought and maintained. If you want someone who won’t take two hours to get ready to leave and won’t rack up heavy credit card debt keeping up with the latest fashions, well, then the “cost” is dealing with a less physically attractive person. They can still look beautiful though. They just aren’t going to look like a supermodel all the time.
It would behoove everyone trying to find someone with a certain qualities to determine the hidden costs that may be associated with those qualities.
One hidden cost to having “conventional” good looks in one’s 20s is that it takes a lot of effort to hold onto them going into one’s 30s, 40s, and 50s. After a woman has a couple of kids, she’s likely NOT going to have the body she started off with. And simply raising children causes people–especially mothers–to gain a lot of weight. One might prefer to hook up with a big woman if only because going from heavy to heavier isn’t nearly as jarring on the eyes or psyche as going from slender to heavy.
I’m curious, Incubus. Your wife has a “conventional” physique now, correct? Are you saying that you’d stop loving her if she gained 50 lbs? Does she ever hear you talking shit about fat women? If so, are you prepared for the emotional issues that might arise if she ever becomes fat, whether due to pregnancy, illness, or Doritos? You do know that there is a good chance this will happen, right? Even if you two don’t have children, both are you are likely to become fatter than you are now. So you may just end up with your own BBW.
I find myself very uncomfortable responding to this thread. Over the years I have become much more tolerant of weight simply because women in my life have put on weight over the years and I have gotten used to it. For reference a size 8 to 10 has usually been what I consider ideal. Both of my wives were smaller than this. My current girlfriend started off 17 years ago as a size 8 and is currently pushing 170#. I have to admit that I am still sexually attracted to her but I don’t go out of my way to keep the lights on anymore.
I have met a lot of heavier women over the years that I really liked a lot but I was not able to get past the physical attraction. I feel like an ass for saying that but it just the truth.The question wasn’t “Would you stay married to a woman who gained XXX lbs?” The question was “Would you date a BBW?”
Your premise is based on the idea that since people will inevitably get fat and flabby when they are old, why care so much now?
I specified in my OP that it wasn’t so much the fatness I found unappealing about BBWs, it was the issues leading up to getting to that point. Would I divorce my wife if she gained weight due to illness/injury? No, because her personality did not lead her to that fate. If, however, she had a drastic personality change, and gradually refused to do more and more activities that she did when we were first together, I might consider it. Just as she holds me to the same standard. If I start becoming a lazy slob, don’t work, don’t stay active, refuse to take care of myself, etc is she obligated to stay with me just because we’re married? Everybody has to draw the line somewhere.
My son has a band and the audience they play to is BBW at clubs who target BBW and chubby chasers. My son is happily married but the othe rband members are not. Every single one of them started datiing heavy women where previously none of them did. They had good experiences with them that somehow caused their brain to rewire what they are attracted to.
I don’t disagree that there are tradeoffs, but there are tradeoffs to everything. Some people care more about trait A than B, so they are willing to overlook trait B because A matters more to them.
But the tradeoffs you describe are major oversimplifications. There are conventionally attractive women that don’t spend hours behind the mirror and there are Fatshonistas that do. Its easy to use vanity as an example because most readers on the SDMB don’t place as much value to appearances vs intelligence. But think if you were saying “There’s costs to dating somebody intellectually curious. They are going to be more likely to want to expand their education, so more of their current/potential wealth might be tied up in attenting University. They might be more likely to embrace a career that is low-paying simply because they find it more interesting. And they may be less interested in things that don’t follow their own system of logic. A woman who wants a man that is ‘smart’ might need to accept that he will be constantly showing her XKCD strips that are only funny to Mathematicians, insist a fedora is appropriate formal attire, and understand not everybody likes food that isn’t cheetos and mountain dew”.
HoneyBadgerDC, I think you shouldn’t feel ashamed for not feeling phsyically attracted to someone based on their appearance or changing appearance. Its probably worse to try to ‘deny’ it. For all the so called bullies that torment women about their weight, I think the ones that act like it doesn’t matter (even though it still does to them) are worse, because they are insincere about their interest.
I’m curious about your son’s band members. What do you think happened? If they enjoyed dating the heavy women, why didn’t it work out? The women they were dating had hangups/faults tied to being fat?
I didn’t state a “premise.” I simply asked how you’d feel if your wife gains a bunch of weight, given your negative views regarding fat women.
But a person who dates a bigger woman doesn’t know if her personality led her to that “fate”. And even if the woman does have personality issues that “led her to that fate”, why should someone weigh those issues any more heavily (sorry for the puns) than any other flaw? We’re all flawed, correct? It’s just that fat people have flaws that are visible to the eye. The rest of us have flaws that don’t come out until you get to know us better.
I don’t think you’re obligated to stay with her even if she has health issues. If a person is not attracted to someone, I think they should leave the relationship. I think it’s unfair for both parties to be stuck to each other indefinitely if there isn’t mutual affection left, regardless of why.
You’ve managed to fall in love with someone despite their flaws. I’m sure your wife is great, but I’m also sure she isn’t a perfect person. And yet you managed to overlook her problems because her good qualities outweighed the bad. A guy who decides to try things out with fat girl has the exact same goal in mind. It doesn’t have to be anything more complicated than that.
This is exacerbated by the fact that many/most men can’t tell at a glance what on a woman is “bought and maintained” and what is natural. I remember being out in a restaurant with my folks and my dad saying that he liked women who kept their hair natural and pointed out a woman a few tables over. My mom and I had to break it to him that that lady’s haircolor came out of a bottle and the style, while seemingly simple, had required full blowdrying and a curling iron.
He never said that the relationships didn’t work out.
This is the second time in this thread, at least that I’ve noticed, where you have read something to mean the opposite of what it says, presumably because it doesn’t fit in with what you believe about heavier women being automatically undesirable.
Right. So if you understand this, why are you puzzled about guys dating fat chicks?
Yet there are a lot of women who do take forever to get ready when going places, much to their male companion’s chagrin. And there are a ton of women who shop till they and their wallets drop, just so they can stay fashionable. Do you deny that these women exist?
And guess what? The 20-something chick who manages to look “hot” right out of bed eventually becomes the 40 or 50-something who takes an hour putting on her make-up and doing her hair. If a 40 or 50-something decides that she’d rather not go through that kind of work-out every morning, she may risk communicating that she doesn’t care about her looks anymore. And then she’s suddenly a lazy slob to judging eyes. If a guy doesn’t want to be the jerk with these judging eyes, he’d be better off selecting a woman who’s beautiful rather than “hot”. “Hot” is fleeting and based on the vagaries of society’s standards. But beauty is lasting. It’s personal. And it can change.
I wouldn’t say anything like this because these are your crazy thoughts, not mine. But there are indeed costs to high intellect. There is a correlation between intellect and neurosis. People who are super smart are also more likely to suffer from depression. Someone who is intellectually curious is also more likely to get bored. They’re not going to be satisfied having the same kinds of conversations and doing the exact same activities day after day. They are likely going to high expectations for themselves and the people around them, including their future children. And because of this, they are not always going to be easy-going and fun-loving. They may even be arrogant jerks on occasion. Especially if they know they are smarter than everyone, including you.
Did you honestly think that I would say, “Yeah, I don’t think there are any trade-offs to being smart. Cuz I’m a Doper! You win the argument, Incubus!” When I say there are trade-offs to everything, I absolutely mean everything. I don’t care what quality you name, there is a hidden cost to it. The costs aren’t all the same, but they are still there waiting to snare the unsuspecting.
Maybe I didn’t word it right, they are still attracted to and date the heavy women. Before the band they did not date heavy women. My opinion on the atttraction I think has to do with seeing all heavy women and finding the most attractive in the bunch. They are always telling me how much fun they have.
A quick google (using profanity, natch) didn’t cough it up, but I recall that researchers have shown that we become more attracted to people we have sex with as we continue having sex with them. A partner you found “acceptable” physically will most likely turn in to “damn that’s hot!” as the weeks turn into months turn into years.
So where do I fit into your mindset on fat women? I’m fat, and I readily admit that there were personality issues that led me to being that way. But it’s not who I am anymore. I eat well, clean and healthy, I go to the gym daily, I work out at least an hour every day. But guess what? I’m still fat. That personality change didn’t magically make me skinny overnight. So if it’s truly the “reasons” behind being fat that you find attractive, and not the actual body type, then all those ladies who are in my boat are A-OK by you, right?
You know, you can still date the one you married. She won’t mind. 
I’m not. The thread wasn’t, “Why do people date BBWs?” It was, “Would you date a BBW”. I had also mentioned in the OP that I had previously dated them in the past, and gave my reasons for not wanting to anymore. I’m not coming from this from the perspective of someone thats never been in the situation. I’ve done it, don’t like it for [reasons].
I define a person’s beauty by the qualities they have which contribute toward their overall picture. If she’s dumpy looking in her twenties, its because her personality is geared toward not caring about her outward appearance. If she doesn’t care then, she probably won’t care later if it requires progressively more effort. She’s also going to have non-appearance based qualities I don’t like; maybe she just half-asses her way through life, maybe her interests and passions are so narrowly defined you’d have to be a carbon copy of her to relate. Maybe she’s just lazy and insufferable. Maybe she doesn’t believe she should have to “fake it”.
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I’ve had the pleasure of meeting, dating, and marrying a beautiful woman who is incredibly intelligent, motivated, outgoing, and kind. None of her qualities are puffed up to make up for her faults. I married her because I had the sense not to settle for someone who was ‘close, but not quite’. Been there, done that. Some people will settle for marrying/being married to their silver medal in life, but I won’t.
Given how weirdly invested you’ve been in this thread, and how quick you are to jump into any thread I’ve pointed out a painful lack of self-awareness of others, I assumed you would share the same quality of people who can’t own up to it.