microwave doors only open from the right
Hey, thanks for the heads up. Now I can finally use the thing.
These are all hilarious. Great stuff, guys. Here’s a few more from me:
Jesus H. Christ
Yes? 
Fall Semester Roll Call
Bueller? Bueller?
Oh I Could Waste Hours At This Site
Just don’t get any on the keyboard, 'kay?
My bathroom, it is a showplace.
What have I told you about those dancing ferrests? Sheesh.
How did I become the bad guy? (Mild)
Well, the 17 serial murders might have had something to do with it. Mild my ass.
I just saw the Loch Ness Monster! I swear!
People who see the Loch Ness monster not only swear but tend to mess themselves as well. You know, you really should lay off that stuff.
Seriously, why the war in Iraq?
Why not the war in Iraq?
Today Is Bring A Spider To Work Day
Dammit, Peter, get off the ceiling before my supervisor sees you.
Favorite color purple: sign of a disturbed mind?
Well, the Grapist was pretty weird…
**Passive/Aggressive? or Stupid? or Thoughtless? or…? **
Life is full of possibilities!
**Thought for the Day **
Some people manage more than one, but don’t strain yourself.
**Why the distinction between murder and attempted murder? **
[Yoda]There is no try. Only do. Or do not.[/Yoda]
**Did the Squirrel Try to KILL Me, or Was This Coincidence? **
New evidence supports the Grassy Knoll theory of the JFK assasination.
**Can I create a “virtual printer”? **
Sure, if you don’t mind reading the output on “virtual paper.”
**Pacifist or not? **
Careful, stranger. Them’s fightin’ words!
**Movies: Famous Last Words **
The End
**An American in Vancouver **
The low-budget sequel to the Gene Kelly/Leslie Caron classic.
Cleaning a horseshoe crab shell?
Nope. You?
Tell me about 2-player console games
They require more than one person to play them.
What do you call the sword/dagger variety of fencing?
What do I call it? Dangerous. Very dangerous.
Cast Your Family and Friends
In concrete? Or bronze?
**
I need input on seziures**
Try to avoid typing while having one.
Step 3: Profit!
Step 4: blow it all in Vegas!
It’s baaaack! During your vacation, I tried bumping the original - but alas, it was to no avail.
Why the rarity of lady chefs?
ExtraKun
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to break through the corningware ceiling?
What do you call the sword/dagger variety of fencing?
Sampiro
Mortal Kombat III?
I need input on seziures
kaiwik
As opposed to output on donations?
Mother-in-law terrified by estate-planning and inheritance issues
Parthol
Gradually get her used to being near attorneys by suggesting she take a part-time gig cleaning cesspools
What happens when I ‘Report this Junk Mail’?
EarthStone777
You’ll get even cheaper Vi@gra offers.
Can a Corporation insure a car?
jj_brewer
Yes, it can even can core a apple
Great Og, help me buy a tire!
AerynSun
Can’t you fuckin’ unicyclists do anything by yourselves?
How much would a 1000 megawatt plant cost using various sources of electricity
Wesley Clark
About the same as a new-fangled abacus machine.
Will we ever drill in Alaska?
mrmeman12
It all depends on how violent the Eskimo insurgency becomes.
Supermarkets have dozens of different mustards . Why (relatively) so few ketchups?
astro
‘Pardon me, do you have an Hunt’s Catsup’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
Animal graveyards
Amazon Floozy Goddess
[Joey Ramone] No one cares, nobody knows [/Joey Ramone]
Why the distinction between murder and attempted murder?
Absolute
It has it’s roots in Marxism: Rewarding failure & punishing success.
Reason for Coughing/Phlegm After Eating?
Jackknifed Juggernaut
Simple. You eat snot and your gonna cough up phlegm
Walk me through Dual Monitors
Wearia
Step 1: Take them off the desk. Step 2: Spread them out about 2 feet apart. Step 3: Take my hand…
Can you really kill a guy by driving his nose up into his brain?
Diogenes the Cynic
At a minimum he’ll be coughing up phlegm after eating
Favorite Color Purple: sign of a disturbed mind?
Two words, Oprah Winfrey
Today Is Bring a Spider To Work Day.
Charlotte, quit making webs, and make some coffee!
What experiments can I do with hydrochloric acid?
Eye drops Russian Roulette.
I miss lunchboxes.
Buy a bigger gun.
Good one! 
GQ:
**Why do trucks carrying fish say “fish” on the trailer? **
Well, it wouldn’t make much sense for it to read “dead babies”, now would it?
**Did the Squirrel Try to KILL Me, or Was This Coincidence? **
He’s not speaking without his lawyer present.
**What caused the “Pirate Boom” of a few years ago? **
Cannons?
Jackson Accused Again
Wow what a surprise!!!
Wait a minute … this just handed to me … it is believed that** Jerry Garcia** may have used marijuana at some point in his life. 
But let’s wait until all the facts are in.
Can you really kill a guy by driving his nose up into his brain?
I don’t know about a nose up, but you can certainly kill a guy by driving his Nova up into his brain, as well as his Silverado, his Corvette, his Impala, or even his Monte Carlo.
** I have finally conquered a 15-year old computer game.**
Airman Doors, USAF
You know, Airman, if you eliminate the last two words, the Air Force might be very upset with you.
Does shaving cream do anything?
scm1001
[Benny Bell] It keeps you nice and clean & always looking keen [/Benny Bell]
How long does it take caffeine to leave the body?
Lillith Fair
Anywhere from 20 seconds to 2 minutes, depending on bladder capacity.
Do people say, “It’s a free country!” or equivalent in other countries?
Shagnasty
It’s rumored that Japanese nationalists say, ‘It’s a flea country’
Why is it bad to let gasoline powered vehicles idle for extended periods of time?
Shagnasty
Probably something to do with the 2nd Commandment
Evolution of Naval Weapon Doctrines
Raguleader
Anthropologists believe cavemen used to throw lint an one another before discovering hurling oranges at one another was more effective
Why would someone design a website to do this?
Mr. Blue Sky
Because most of the porn sites already to that.
Question about finacial advisors/retitrement planners etc.
Boscibo
The 1st bit of advice I’d give is to steer clear of Parthol’s mother in law.
Why do people buy diesel cars?
InvisibleWombat
Meaning of "Git 'R Done"
Ravenman
It’s a form of shop-speak used by managers in Louisiana toy stores
Judge: Parents can’t teach pagan beliefs to son.
AskNott
I guess the factual answer to that query is, ‘yups, that’s the ruling’.
Can men get yeast infections?
seaworthy82
Yes. As proven by biologist Francesco Redi in an experiment conducted in 1667.
English Law: What does a solicitor do?
Fish
Offer 20 quid for oral and 50 for around the world
How could the Space Shuttle reentry be made safer?
tallpall
The current NASA solution is to prevent it from exiting in the first place
GQ:
**What were those spherical objects below the Hi Voltage transmission lines? **
Charred corpses.
**How many ads are we exposed to each day? **
Well, considering that I frequently watch TV naked…
**How Long Does it Take to Gain a Pound? **
How fast can you eat 4 Quarter Pounders in one sitting?
**Bell Pepper pricing, what’s the reason? **
Well, they probably don’t want to give them away for free.
Does shaving cream do anything?
It 's always best to remove the stubble before you pour it on your strawberries.
I’ve lost 70 pounds… and now I’m starting to freak a little. Help.
Okay, where’s the last place you remember seeing them?
Anime you WOULDN’T recommend for a newcomer
Tentacle Master 1-4, and 6. 5’s pretty good, though.
What did youfind out about an artist/author that changed your veiw of his/her work?
I lost a lot of respect for that elephant who holds a paintbrush, let me tell you.
Recording keystrokes in windows without third-party software
Point webcam down.
What do you listen to in the car when you have passengers?
Generally whichever one is talking.
Backward messages in Music
BluePitbull
Subtitled: The Danny K Appreciation Thread
What is the biggest lawsuit amount actually recieved?
jebert
Don’t be shocked to discover the answer will keep changing as each chronological post is made.
What hi-speed internet services are available in my area?
CynicalGabe
Would you also like a list of all the Domino’s Pizza in the vicinity?
Ponds and Lakes: Is there any technical difference?
Raxx
Ponds share their name with a cold cream & lakes scum just doesn’t have the same ring to it
What does IBM stand for?
bubastis
Perhaps you should pose that stimulating query to the Domino’s Pizza delivery boy.
Are there spelling bees in languages other than English?
Hyperelastic
Would an ‘abeja del deletreo’ count?
Why do they say “boot” for “commit an error” in baseball?
CookingWithGas
It has it’s roots in Pittsburgh, when the Pirate’s first donned Sir Henry Thigh Highs in lieu of spikes. Bill Gates later appropriated the term for his error-laden OS.
Should I kill the spiders in my apartment?
Dignan
IMHO, it may help cut down on your cobweb problem
How many metallo-ligand bonds does iron normally form with oxygen?
Wesley Clark
6. Three black and 3 orange ones
How do you play the organ?
dalej42
If playing solo: try spit.
Bigger Person = More Blood?
Gerome
Though they have more arteries, they’re usually so gummed up with cholesterol, more blood isn’t required.
Erect Penis on a dead guy?
Foxy40
I got a hunch this your 1st time seeing Clerks.
What do you do when you suck?
RandMcnally
Swallow.
Mock Psychics
Hampshire
You bet I do. Every single chance I get.
**Do people still chew gum? **
No, now they hang it on their wall as decoration.
**Cheapest way to exchange currency? **
Put a dollar in your friend’s hand. Have him put a dollar in yours.
**How to store Ice Cream for long periods? **
Have you tried the freezer?
**Should I kill the spiders in my apartment? **
Not if they’re paying their share of the rent.